Would it alarm anyone if I said I was writing this from a bus? No. But would it alarm you if I said the bus wasn’t a Peter Pan? Yeah… now you’re shaken up, huh? Believe it or not, the Peter Pan doesn’t service NYC to Ithaca, NY — where I needed to be to celebrate the nuptials of Alana and Max. Luckily, the “OurBus” had me covered.
My(Our)bus experience started shakily as I almost missed my 7am ride to Ithaca. The city was pitch black and rainy at 6:51am Saturday morning as I urged my taxi driver to please put “pedal to the metal”. We hit every single red light and I found myself getting mad at the driver for following the rules of the road. I personally think you should be allowed to run 5 red lights in your lifetime, as long as it’s safe and you have good reasons.
If I missed this bus, I’d surely miss the wedding and that, my friends, was not an option. I jumped out of the taxi at 6:59am and ran up to one of two large buses parked on the side of the road. I picked one at random and an older man was smoking a cigarette at the entrance. Now don’t get me wrong, I think cigarettes can certainly make for a delicious on-the-go breakfast when you’re in a pinch but I was confused why this random man was in my way?
The ‘random man’ was apparently the driver and used his raspy voice to tell (yell at) me: “we’re not going to Boston!” Is it so obvious I’m a masshole? I said “ok… are you going to Ithaca?” He said “yup! And I’m leaving right now so you better get on this bus.” I’m not sure if I’d call it a warm welcome, but I was happy I made it just in time.
Lucky for us, the man, who turned out to be the bus driver, used the 5-hour long trip to test out new material via the intercom. He started off by telling us his name was Allen “for today” but if you meet him tomorrow, it might be something else. He let us know we could find water in the overhead bins but if we saw something that was labeled “vodka” we weren’t to touch it, it was his! He then said “just kidding…. It’s tequila.” I had to rub my eyes to make sure I was actually aboard a passenger vehicle and not at the Comedy Cellar.
Just when I thought he’d stop talking, he’d start in again on another attempted bit. I put my headphones in and fell asleep but was awakened by “Allen” slamming on the brakes. Cue the intercom again. He went in on a 5-minute explanation as to why he slammed on his brakes (none of it was his fault btw). At some point, he took a phone call and for twenty minutes, he loudly planned out his trip to the Home Depot in Ithaca. I don’t know who was on the other line but I do know they forgot to give Allen the Home Depot coupons he needed… and I would not want to be on Allen’s bad side.
My favorite bit he did was that he, as the driver, didn’t know where we were going. Multiple times throughout the trip he’d pop on the intercom to say “Anyone know where the hell we are? I can’t read this GPS.” “Okay we’re about an hour away from — where the hell are we going? Ithaca? Yeah… I think that’s where we’re going.” And when we were ten minutes out, he woke us up with a “it’s Johnny” style “it’s your cap-it-an speaking…. Riiiise and shiiiiine.” And as we were pulling into the stop, his grand finale was to tell us he’s had enough with all of us! He was done! After yelling at us to get off his bus, he reminded us about the tip jar at the front of the bus, telling us he hopes we enjoyed the “entertainment”.
Speaking of entertainment, my sister and I absolutely tore up the dance floor. Had I brought a sports bra (or a bra at all, for that matter) I would’ve really blown the crowd away but I did what I could anyway — especially when Thriller played. At the after party, multiple people came up to us and said “oh my god, you guys are the Thriller girls.” To be a Thriller Girl™️ is an honor, and not something I take lightly at all!
If you’re planning a wedding, please consider hiring my sister and I to be the talent. We have multiple choreographed routines prepared and are willing and able to learn more upon song request. You don’t need to pay us, just have amazing food and local ice cream (thanks Alana!)
Anyway I have to go because my phone is dying and there are no outlets on this discount bus. That was rude of me, I’m liking my OurBus experience but you all know which bus line I’m partial to…
Congrats Alana and Max!! <333